Dear Motion Picture Association of America,
I am writing to thank you for your recent decision to add cigarette smoking to your list of criteria leading to an "R" rating. I have been hoping that you would come to the rescue of America's lung health and only wish you could have done it sooner. Since the implementation of your benevolent ratings system, all but a handful of social ills have been completely eradicated from our culture. Premarital sex is a thing of the past. No longer are sickos and perverts allowed to freely engage in coital permutations outside of God's cherished missionary position. Violence and drug use have dropped so dramatically that some are advocating turning our nation's prisons into factories for Bibles and cotton candy.
None of these great achievements would be possible without your invisible hand. Proving that life imitates art, you have molded this world in your image and this movie goer thanks you from the bottom of the heart. I don't know where I would be without you.
Absolutely, completely, sincerely yours,
American film lover